When Cancer is a Threat

There is a history of breast cancer on my mother's side of the family.  My mother, my grandmother, and my great aunt are all survivors.  I also have another great aunt who went home to be with Jesus in 2011 after fighting a lengthy battle with breast cancer.

My mother fought her battle in 2004 and was declared 99% cancer free in 2005.  It was caught very early after she took a random mammogram at the encouragement of her doctor since she hadn't had one in years. It was a total God thing.  Then in 2015 my grandma and one of her sisters were diagnosed with breast cancer.  4 people very closely related to me had now been diagnosed with this disease.  I decided that it would only be wise for me to talk to my doctor about what precautions I should be taking with my own health. She referred me to a breast specialist who is known as the number one breast surgeon in Tulsa.  Incidentally, this is also the specialist who treated and performed my mother's surgery.  

In June of 2015, I went to see the specialist and she recommended that I have genetic testing done to see if I am a carrier for the BRCA1 or the BRCA2 genes.  These genes are known to be linked to breast cancer.  I had the testing done and thankfully I am not a carrier.  I was supposed to go back and see the doctor and we would map out a game plan for monitoring my breast health.  But a few weeks later we found out I was pregnant with Beau so those plans have been on hold for the last 2 years.

Me with my Mom and Grandma

May 2011

I decided it was time to quit dragging my feet and went back to see the doctor earlier this summer.  I'm still healthy and there wasn't anything found at the appointment just as I knew there wasn't anything to find.  But I have to say that going to see a cancer specialist will mess with your head and your emotions even when you don't actually have cancer.  There is a scientific calculation to determine a person's overall lifetime risk of developing breast cancer. It's called the Tyrer Cuzick Model.  Anything over 20% is considered high risk.  My doctor used the phrases "well over the high risk mark" and "strikingly high risk." My risk is calculated at 38%.  The general population of healthy women only have about a 13% risk.  It's definitely a sobering experience to be told that you are high risk for developing cancer.  But even so, I look at that figure and I see math that is still in my favor.  It may not be as good of math as other people get but it is still in my favor.  And it is just a number.  It doesn't predict or define anything about me.  I will not allow fear to plant any seeds here.

My Great Aunt Maymie who moved

to Heaven in 2011

On the way home from the appointment, I felt anxious and emotional.  I had a heart to heart talk with God which brought peace to my heart.  I also strengthened my resolve that I would not be shaken by the threat of cancer.  I plan to be proactive about about my health not only for my sake but also for the sake of my husband and children.

                                                    

James 2:17 says that faith unaccompanied by deeds is dead.  I believe God gave us brains and common sense and expects us to use them.  Here in the United States we are blessed to have access to first class health care.  I plan to utilize the medical resources available to me.  A few weeks ago, my doctor had me have a mammogram and MRI done.  They both came back completely clear, as I expected that they would. I met with the doctor last week again to discuss a game plan for the future to monitor my health.  This will include having mammograms and MRIs done on a regular basis.  The survival rate for breast cancer is 99% when caught in Stage 0 or Stage 1.  Those are incredibly encouraging odds.  Early detection is key.

As I have learned over the last year from battling Chloe's anaphylactic peanut allergy, the enemy I face is not just a disease, it's fear.  The same way that I refuse to live in fear of a food allergy, I also refuse to live in fear of developing cancer.  I am standing in faith and on God's Word that I won't ever develop cancer; however if cancer insists on knocking, I fully intend to meet it at the door.  I have something for that Goliath.

Faith over Fear: Our journey through a deadly food allergy.

As I look back over the years, I see that our food allergy journey actually began about a year before Chloe actually had her anaphylactic reaction to peanut butter. It was in the late winter of 2015 and I had no idea at the time but God was already preparing me. It was at this point in my life that I made a conscious decision about the type of mother I wanted to be. It was a pivotal decision because it would determine how I reacted to difficult circumstances going forward.  I decided that I wanted to be the kind of mother that when my adult children look back, they would be able to say,

 "My mom was a rock during the hard times.  She was solid. She didn't freak out. She didn't collapse on the bed in a heap of tears.  She trusted God and stood firm in her faith that He would see us through."  

Not that I have been prone to panicking, but I knew it would be unrealistic to think that during my parenthood journey I wouldn't be tempted to do so at some point.

As it turned out, the remainder of 2015 offered plenty of opportunities to demonstrate strength while under stress. We sold our house, moved in with family, found out I was pregnant with our second child, bought a new house and after five months of living as nomads, we moved into our new home.  Throughout this season, my husband's job required him to travel for two weeks at a time.  This was certainly one of the harder and most stressful seasons of our lives.  We crammed a whole lot of life change into about five months.  I wish I could say that I handled it all with grace and poise, but the truth is that choosing to remain steady under pressure has been a growing process for me.

We discovered my daughter was allergic to eggs when she was nine months old.  At the urging of her pediatrician, we delayed the introduction of peanut butter until she was two years old. Two weeks after her second birthday, we decided to give it a try.  Shortly after she ate a peanut butter cracker, she 

You can read about the events of that night here.  I was able to remain calm during the whole awful experience by holding onto the Lord for strength.  In the days that followed, the questions of "Why me?" "Why her?" and "Why this?" attempted to flood my mind.  I knew I couldn't entertain those thoughts.  I couldn't allow myself to play the victim and wallow in self pity.  Some of you may be thinking, 
"What's the big deal? Just avoid that food." But peanuts are tough to avoid.  PB&J is one of, if not the most popular kid food around and tons of food processing facilities use the same equipment for peanuts in addition to other foods.  So that combined with the fact that when you are in the hospital and your child is being treated for the reaction, you get told about 35 times by every single doctor and nurse that every subsequent reaction will be worse than the previous one. And then you look at your child laying in the hospital bed, hooked up to monitors, who required 2 shots of epinephrine, steroids, a breathing treatment and an I.V., and you think to yourself,

''Worse than this??? 

The only thing worse than this is death.''

A tangible fear threatened to wrap around my ankles and drown me within itself.  It may as well have been a cancer diagnoses for how it felt like I might not be able to keep my daughter alive through her 18th birthday.  A battle had been waged against my faith by fear.

And then I got angry.

Livid might be a more accurate term. I was incensed that something as insignificant as a peanut had the potential to take my daughter's life. I knew that I couldn't let fear have the final say.  I vowed to make the devil regret the day he messed with my baby.  He had awaken Mama Bear.  I prayed and told the Lord that when He healed Chloe, not if but when, I woudn't shut up about it.  I would tell everyone who would listen, and maybe even some that wouldn't.  I bought a year long bible devotional on the subject of healing.  I began praying for Chloe's healing, for science to find a cure, and for God to help me encourage other mamas who are battling this fear.  To my knowledge I had hardly ever come across anyone who had children with food allergies and it certainly never came up in conversation. But ever since I prayed that, I can't seem to go anywhere without running into another food allergy mom.  I'm not even trying to bring it up and moms I meet mention it all the time now.  I always tell them how I refuse to live in fear and how God is bigger than this and that it is His will for even food allergies to be healed.

Later that Spring I was studying one of my favorite passages in the bible about faith, Mark 11:23-24.

And then I read verse 25 and the Lord spoke to my heart:

 “And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses.”

Instantly, I saw how there was a person in my life that I was perpetually offended at.  This person could not do or say anything right in my eyes.  I was always primed and ready to judge and find fault with this person.  And I had been making excuses for it for years. I had felt completely justified in my being offended because this person says and does annoying and irritating things.  Any logical, rationally thinking person would be offended at this person.  And in that same instant, God gently yet firmly spoke these words to my heart:

"You can have Chloe's healing or you can have your offense, but you can't have both..."

God wasn't giving me an ultimatum, He was telling me this because it's the truth and the two issues are connected.  Galations 5:6 tells us that faith works by love.  If we aren't extending the love of God to others, we can't expect for our faith to move the mountains in our lives.  It didn't matter that I was nice and forgiving to everyone else except one person.  Walking in love towards others is something that you either are or you are not doing.  The bible doesn't give us the option to exempt a few from forgiveness because we feel justified in doing so.  I know this runs completely contradictory to the attitude of much of our culture today. But from my perspective, it truly isn't worth the cost. I would absolutely rather have my daughter's healing than hold on to my offense. 

So then I repented and asked the Lord to forgive me for my arrogance and I made the decision that going forward, whenever this person said or did something to get under my skin, I would just let it go. This person had no idea I had felt this way, so I didn't think it would be beneficial to have a conversation about it.  

And so here we are a year later.  I can honestly say that I am not controlled by the fear that once threatened to drown me. Have I arrived? Absolutely not. But I am miles away from where I was. And as for Chloe's healing? Her allergy test in April showed that she is no longer allergic to 3 of the 6 food allergens she tested positive for one year ago.  We are making progress and I praise God for His faithfulness.  :-)

Beau's Vintage Sports Nursery

I have been wanting to write this post for quite some time.  The easiest time to take pictures and write a blog post are when my kids are napping.  That poses a conundrum when your baby boy is sleeping in the room you want to take pictures of, but the other day I got the opportunity take some pics of his finished room.

 When we found out that we were expecting a baby boy, we knew that we wanted to go with a vintage sports theme with some aqua and orange accents.  The previous owners had some very bold taste in colors and the room that we wanted to make Beau's nursery was burn your retinas bright pink. Not appropriate at all for a boy, or anyone with eyes for that matter.  Below is a picture. You may want to put on some sunglasses first...

This picture is actually from when the house was listed for sale.  It is actually a cool room with great angles and a big beautiful window.  But all that was overshadowed by the loud color and the oversized vertical blinds.  We painted it the same gray that we used in Chloe's nursery and it is so much more calming...

This is the view as you step in the room.  Please ignore the blade-less ceiling fan.  We plan to get that replaced sometime before Beau goes off to college, but preferably this summer.  It's on Kyle's honey do list.

Kyle and I have enjoyed using decorations in our kids' room that not only match the theme, but are also meaningful to us.  Three of the baseball gloves were from Kyle's childhood baseball days.  The glove sitting on the shelf holding a baseball is from the 1950s.  I picked it up at a local antiques store.  The solid orange ball cap also belonged to Kyle as a child.  The orange and white ball cap on the far right was Kyle's Granddad's and is from the 1970s.  He  bought it when my mother in law was attending OSU.

On the left side of the room is Beau's crib.  Chloe used it first and then we passed it on to Beau.

 My mother in law painted the letters for Beau's name.  

I just love how it pops against the gray wall!

My grandpa built this bookshelf for Beau.  Like I said before, we love the touch of having 

meaningful pieces from special family members in our kids' rooms.  We want to stain it darker, hopefully also before Beau goes to college.

My good friend Leah had the verse Ecclesiastes 4:9 beautifully handwritten and framed. 

 It fits so well with our theme!

On the other side of the room is Beau's changing table.  We like to use dressers for this purpose instead of a dedicated changing table so that our kids can still get use out of them as they grow out of the baby stage.

The artwork above the dresser are copies of vintage OSU program covers.  They came from a wall calendar that I gave Kyle for Christmas the first Christmas after we were married.  We kept the calendar so that we could frame the pictures in a nursery in case we ever had a boy.

This is what hangs on the wall to the left of the changing table.  My mother in law painted the canvas with Beau's birth stats.  The other canvas is a print that I purchased off Etsy and then Mod Podged to it a canvas.  The scripture is Joshua 1:9.

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.

Both times I was pregnant and planning my babies' rooms, the Lord impressed verses on my heart to hang in their rooms.  I didn't realize it at the time but the Lord was also giving these verses to me because He knew that I would need them in the weeks before birth and in those early newborn days.  Chloe's verse was Jeremiah 29:11.  That verse reminded me that the Lord had plans for Chloe's life and that He was right there with me in my motherhood journey.  That greatly calmed my first time mom fears of not having any idea what I was doing.  In the weeks before Beau was born, I would have waves of nervousness about being mama to both a newborn and a toddler. But then I would remember the verse hanging in Beau's room. Again I was reminded that God was with me and that enabled me to choose to be strong and courageous and not be fearful.

I hope you enjoyed the peak at Beau's room transformation.  The next room I plan to blog about is the formal dining room turned play room.  

I mean really, who needs two places to eat?

(Picture is from when the house was listed for sale.)

Beau's One Year Smash Cake Session

My handsome boy turned one in March and I documented the occasion by doing a smash cake photo shoot in our backyard.  I finally got the pics uploaded to my blog.  Better late than never. Haha! Here are some of my favorites.

Beau's 6 Month Pictures

Today we took Beau's 6 months pictures in the green belt in my mom's neighborhood.  He is such a happy baby and very easy to get precious smiles from.  I took a total of 91 pictures and then narrowed them down to 18.  Here are very favorites.

Beau's Birth Story

  There is so much that was different about my second pregnancy with Beau as compared to my first pregnancy with Chloe, and the onset of labor proved to follow the same pattern of being different.
You can read about Chloe's birth story here.

  I was 39 weeks and 4 days when I went into labor with Beau.  I really didn't know if he would be early or come late like his sister did.  But when I woke up that morning I wasn't feeling well at all and was attributing that to the misfortune of likely having caught the stomach bug Kyle had suffered through a few days earlier, rather than my body trying to kick into gear to give birth.  Already feeling like a whale and barely able to tend to myself, much less to a toddler who doesn't understand that mommy doesn't feel well, I called my mother in law and asked if she would come over and help me with Chloe.  It wasn't long after she arrived that I got to feeling really sick and after a couple calls to the nurse, it was decided the best thing to do was to go to Labor and Delivery at the hospital so they could monitor me and make sure that I didn't dehydrate.

  On the way to the hospital, I got a text from my dear friend Diana.  She told me that she had been praying that morning for me, Beau and for his delivery.  I told her how I was feeling and that we were headed to the hospital.  She encouraged me and reminded me that God always goes before us.  At that moment I was in humbled at how God works and how he moves others to pray on our behalf when we feel to weak or don't realize that we need to do so ourselves.  He truly does care and will get involved in our lives if we allow Him to.

  I was only at the hospital a few hours.  They determined that I was not in labor and that I had most likely contracted the stomach bug my husband had previously.   They put me on fluids and made sure that I was able to self hydrate before leaving.  The doctor gave me a prescription for Zofran and then sent us on our way.  I was feeling a lot better, very tired, but better.  I spent the afternoon resting at my mother in law's house.  I was also convinced that I would not be having a baby that day (technically I was right about that).

  That evening we put Chloe down for bed.  Kyle went to study for his PE exam and I went to the bedroom to watch t.v. before bed.  As I was laying down, I started to have pains again similar to what I had experienced earlier in the day. At first I didn't think much of it, until they kept coming and became harder to ignore.  So I did what any logical person would do.  I googled what labor pains might feel like (with Chloe my water broke and I only felt a few contractions before receiving my epidural) and then I downloaded an app to track the pains I was having.  I also got up and walked around to see if they would go away. The first two contractions were irregular in timing.  But then the next few fell into sync at every 4-5 minutes apart.  About this time, Kyle came into the bedroom and I told that I thought I might be having real contractions.  Then the next one hit stronger than all the others before and all question as to whether I was in labor or not was removed.  We called my mother in law to stay with Chloe and headed back to the hospital.  The drive to the hospital seemed like the longest 20 minutes of my life.

  The labor and delivery nurses were busy with delivering another baby and from what I overheard, there was an emergency situation going on.  So Kyle and I paced around the hall as walking seemed to help me cope with the contractions a little better.  A nurse finally returned to us and said they were getting a room for us and asked if I wanted an epidural to which I replied, "As soon as possible."  The anesthesiologist on duty was involved in the emergency situation so another had to be called in.  She arrived as I was being wheeled to my room.  When she walked in, I may have told her that I loved her.   The relief came immediately and when Kyle came back in, he said I was like a different person.  I was comfortable but the hours seemed to barely tick by.  I tried the best that I could to get some sleep, and I think I may have dozed off for about 30 minutes or so shortly after 3 AM.  Around 4:40 AM the nurse came back and said it was go time.  With Chloe, I only pushed for 30 minutes, so I was quite curious as to how fast Beau would arrive.  Turns out he was ready to join us, as I only had to push through two contractions and he was out.  I had been in labor for about eight hours total.

  He was placed on my chest and it was as if a deep reservoir in my heart, that I was previously unaware of, opened up and love rushed out.  I had tears in my eyes as I took in the sight of him.  I was so happy to finally meet this little boy who had been on my mind for the last nine months.  I sang to him, nursed him, and held him for over an hour until he was taken to the nursery to get cleaned up.  It's amazing how it's the nature of love to expand.  Beau's arrival not only brought love for him, but it also made me love Kyle and Chloe more.  I'm incredibly grateful for this little family that we have.